Dru’s New World

I remeber before my world travels began sitting at the local coffee shop with a friend gettin my dose of caffine before going to babysit my neice. Although I was still in my teens I never had enough energy to chase a two year old girl around the house. My brother was proudly wearing the military uniform at the time sitting somewhere in Asia so I felt it was my responsiblity to babysit his daughter so her mother could have an adult conversation every once in awhile. My friend was getting his caffine fix so he could go to the rock quarry over the border in Pennsylvania. “That sucks you have to babysit, this is going to be the party of the year.”
“I don’t mind, Deb is going to come over after Tiny T is asleep.” Tina was my brother Tony’s daughter, for some reason my family was always called by initials, I don’t even think my best friend even knew the name my parents gave me untill the year after graduation.
“Aww, how sweet,” the sarcastic jeer that I was expecting came a little slower than I was actually thinking it would, the caffine probably did’t hit Brian yet. “Are you and Deb going to play house tonight?”
“If I am lucky we will have a good time.”
Being a seventeen year old boy was difficult enough but throw in the fact that I spent the only Friday night off babysitting my neice really took a notch out of my social standing. No one cared of course when I usually did this because I usually got paid a case of beer that we would drink on Saturday.
“Dude, you are going to be a perfect parent someday.”
“My goal in life is to raise my children. Unfortunatly that means I will have to put up with a woman all the time.”
Everyone I knew understood that I loved hanging out with kids. Mainly because I never wanted to grow up and always liked having an excuse to go see the newest childrens movie at the theater. It was creapy if I said, “hey Deb you want to go see The Little Mermaid?” I would never get a weird look if I said, “I want to take my neice to see “The Lion King” you want to go?”
I was a Senior in High School and spent half my school day doing my practical at the Elementary school next door. I was already excepted into college for early childhood education. Whenever I wasn’t in school or working I usually had my neice with me.

After a couple more cups of coffee I said bye to my friend and headed to my babysitting duties. This was soon going to be a night that I would never forget.

“I want that one,” I said pointing to the perfect image of a Bald Eagle with the full moon behind it.
“Where would you like it?” The tattoo artist asked in a bored monotone voice. I could sense the boredom of a man used to new recruits walking in as if they were going to be the next hero a movie would be about. A bunch of kids that barrely had to shave, could not legally go into a bar and order a drinkand have never had the opportunity to vote for the Commander in Cheif that was going to send them to horrors they could not imagine.
I was the typical new recruit that left for basic training with the most beautiful girl waiting for my return to have the small wedding in my new uniform. I not only thought I needed to do the ritual tattoo a graduate wanted but I needed some meaning to mine.
While I was looking though the abused three ring binder of cookie cutter tattoo’s, all I could think about was the letter I received half way though Basic Training. The Letter that made my heart leap and my spirits soar when I saw the beautiful hand writing of my love.
“I know this is not easy for you and you are going though a stressful time. I can not imagine how alone you must feel in a place where you know no one. I have been doing a lot of thinking this past month and realize that I want to enjoy my first year of college and not worry about being a wife. I want to see you before you leave the country but I can only see you as a friend. I am sorry.”
I had full intentions of a tattoo that showed my torment, maybe a heart that was getting torn like a piece of paper, or a boot squashing the life out of a heart. I then saw this Eagle which to me was a symbol of America, a symbol of strenght, power and most of all wisdom. A moon, a huge mass that lost a part at every rotation, the look of damage every time it passed by, but a mass that always regenerated and you could count on seeing whole again. The combination of the two symbols made a symbol that showed my prayers. The prayer I said every night,
“Lord, please give me the strength to heal my damaged heart. Give me the wisdom that it will heal. Lord show me that my heart will regenerate like the moon so easily does. Lord let me survive and learn from this pain.”
“So, where do you want it,” the impatient artist asked once again.
“Above my heart,” I said with the air of confidence I have not felt since I opened that envelope.

Now I figure I should start my story back to when I was like my brother is now and he was like I am now. Yes there was a time that I had no faith and believed that what I got had nothing to do with God. I believed that those who relied on God was in for a large disapointment. On the other hand my brother was just released from the Army right after the first Gulf War. He had faith that he made it though the war because there was something planned for him. He was getting what he needed to survive after the war and was enjoying College and a nice apartment.
I remember that I was staying at my Mom’s house between semesters waiting to go to the Dorms and move my stuff to the Dorm room my best freind was going to share with me. We were two of the three guys in the Early Childhood Education Program at our school. We had almost every class together and we pretty much went out to the bars together. It was going to be a great semester. He had a TV and I had a Stereo. We had a full size refrigerator and one of the largest rooms. I was just waiting for the day I could go up and make the move. But first I had to get the letter saying the move was authorized. A few days into the Vacation I got a letter with the return address of my college. I was so excited. I tore it open, ripped the letter from the envelope and started to read.\
“We regret to inform you that you have not maintained the requirements needed to stay in the current curriculum. We also regret that you do not maitain the requirements to hold a position in our college. Please report to your Resedeint Assistants office so they can assist you in getting all your personnal belonging out of your dormitory room.”
WHAT… I could not believe it. It never occured to me that dropping half my classes and not doing any of the homework would give me a 1.1 average and get me kicked out of the school. All I could do is blame everyone else for my problem, “My psych professor didn’t like me. My Teachers didn’t like having a man in their class. They don’t think that a Man should be in Early Childhood Education. They think I am just taking the classes to meet girls.” I never once said, “How could I have avoided this,” or, “what can I do to remedy this situation?” The first person I called was my brother.
At this time in my life I only had the one brother, my parents were both dating people that had sons but this was my brother and he was back from the Army. He will know what to do.

My oldest brother can not understand how I can possibly have the faith I have. He doesn’t understand how after the pain and anguish I have been though, I can still believe it will work out. I will admit that my lows in life are very low but my highs in life reach Heaven everytime. My Highs happen more than my lows. My lows hurt but I have learned to bounce right back and most of the time there is a High right around the corner. My brother focuses on the lows and thinks that God is punishing him, to the point where my brother’s heart has hardened and I do not think he can see the High’s in life anymore.
My brother called me yesterday asking me how I can have a smile when I make less than him and live with less than him. My response, “Dude, I got my kids in the front yard playing with a ball that my neighbor gave them. I have food in my cupboards that the Girl Scouts donated to us and I have a job that I learn something new everyday. How can I not Smile.”
My brother can not understand the beauty of faith. He thinks it is luck that I have what I have. He does not understand that I prayed for something to bring my kids joy, My neighbor’s son got a new soccer ball, He gave his old one to my kids. The Girl Scouts Den mother saw me at church everyweek with two kids but no other adults. She asked around and found out that I was raising them on my own. She could see my faith and her faith led her to bring us food from the donation boxes. My faith makes me happy and gives me energy, my boss see’s this and takes advantage of it. He knows if there is something new that comes up he can give it to me and I will work on it until I figure it out.
I know what my brother used to pray for, he prayed for a new car, he prayed for a bigger house, he prayed for a higher paying job. My brother doesn’t understand that I pray for God to do what he thinks is best for me and my kids. He can see in my heart that I will handle what ever is dished out to me. He see’s that there are wants and desires there for me but I am willing to sacrifice every one of them. My Brother blames God for not having everything he doesn’t have. I thank God for the things I do have.

I was talking to my brother on the phone yesterday, We usually talk until his wife yells at him for being on the phone, but this time he said something very interesting. Yesterday was a big moment in my life, it was one of those things where you look at it and say, “God, I knew you were listening.” Unfortunatly my brother does not have the faith that I do. Even though he is 5 years older than me I have hit this world hard and fast while he has taken it slow and easy. I have taken risks and he has been very cautious. He has never had the faith that it will all work out sometime where I don’t care what happens I know it will work out in the end. I tell all three of my brothers as much as possible, “The world is going to pound the crap out of you, Make sure you hit it first and accept what comes next.” My youngest brother is the only one that listens. The two older ones are the ones that have been hit by the world and are now cowering in the corner waiting for someone to rescue them. I have been though a lot in my life… There has been a lot of pain and there has been a lot of risks. However, The rewards have always made the pain worth it.
I was on the phone with my oldest brother yesterday. It was a major turning point in my life. The past 2 years all I have heard from him is, “Dude,” (Yes he is still a hippie), “how can you handle this. How can you deal with getting beat up so bad every day. If I was in your position I think I would give up.” My responce to my brother was, “Dude,” (okay I have a little hippie left in me), “It will work out in the end. No matter what happens it will work out.” Yesterday was the day it worked out. What my brother can not grasp is even if it turned out the other way yesterday it still would have worked out. I do not have faith that God is going to give me everything i ask for. I have the faith that God is going to do what is best. That is both my older brothers problems. They were both young they asked God to lead them in the right place. God took something from each of them. Something that they both wanted really bad. Now they didn’t realize that what they lost has been for the best and it is like they are holding a grudge. My youngest brother and I have both learned this at an early age. We have both lost something that was important to us also but we both realize that it was what was best for us. It might not have been best for us at the time but I know it was best for us in the long run.
My brother was on the phone with me yesterday. All he could say is, “How do you do it? You need to write a book.”